When Potty Training Gets Hard: A Child-Centered Approach for Parents

The excitement and dread of potty training can take you on a roller coaster of a ride, especially while you are in the throes of it. And especially when it feels like you’ve taken two steps back and you don’t understand why.

Another accident happens, and you want to remain encouraging, but maybe you also want to pull your hair out or lie down and have a cry.

This is completely normal, and you are so not alone in your ups and downs while helping your little one not just hone a new skill, but guide them on the emotional and developmental journey in this new phase of their life. 

As child-centered play therapists, we are here to offer guidance and dig a little deeper into what is going on in this developmental phase during potty training. If you’re wondering what child-centered play therapy is, you can check out our Child & Play Therapy page to read about the research behind it, why we believe in it, and what it looks like to actually work with us.

Why Potty Training Isn't Just a Skill

Potty training is a skill a child learns, but it’s also so much more than that. 

This is the time your child learns to have autonomy over their body and actions. It also gives them a newfound sense of control, which is an exciting time for them.

Going through this process develops the nervous system’s ability in “holding” behaviors. What this means is that the neural pathways between bladder/bowel sensation and voluntary muscle response are developing. They’re sensing the urge and then using motor control to act on it. This is a maturation process, not a willpower one. That revelation alone can help you understand what your child is experiencing. 

Common Problem Areas & What They Might Mean

Problems arise while potty training, and smooth sailing is uncommon. We will uncover some of the common problem areas and what they can tell us about what’s going on in the process. 

Withholding: This can look like waiting to have a bowel movement until they get their diaper on for bedtime or naptime. Or holding their bladder for a long time, unwilling to sit on the toilet, or when they do, unwilling to release their bladder.

The reason for this might be from:

• A past painful bowel movement creating a fear association
• Discomfort with an unfamiliar toilet/bathroom
• Your child using one of the only bodily functions fully under their control to self-soothe 

Regression after success: Maybe you have experienced days of no accidents and going out in public sans diaper feels possible without a change of clothes, but then a regression happens where your child has multiple accidents in one day, multiple days on end, and is fighting the desire to go potty on the toilet. 

This is typically tied to a disruption to their sense of safety, like: 

• A new sibling
• A move
• Starting daycare
• Illness 
• A shift in a caregiver’s own stress level that the child is attuned to

Sometimes regression happens after too much praise/pressure around the “win,” which can raise the stakes for them and their anxiety. 

Toilet fear: Your child might exhibit big emotions when you encourage them to go potty on the toilet. There may be tears or shouts/pleas from your little one to not sit on the toilet.

This fear could come from: 

• Fear of falling in
• Fear of the flush (sound or suction)
• A toddler-logic fear that a part of themselves is “going away”
• A lingering association with a painful or scary past bathroom experience

Power struggles: This common problem shows up as a flat refusal, negotiating or stalling, or meltdowns when it’s “potty time”. 

Why power struggles happen usually comes back to autonomy. This is one of the few areas where a toddler has total bodily control, so their resistance is less about the toilet and more about needing to feel like an agent in their own life.

The Mindset Shift: From Managing Behavior to Building Connection

We believe that safety and connection are the soil where resilience blooms.

A child communicates with us through their behaviors, and these behaviors are not necessarily defiance. Many times shame and pressure tend to entrench the very behaviors parents are trying to eliminate. 

A child-centered approach is through unconditional positive regard. In other words, meeting resistance with curiosity instead of correction. Showing curiosity can build that bridge to safety and understanding, and lowering the pressure and anxieties that could crop up.  

Practical Tools to Try at Home 

Offering choices:

• Would you like to go on the little potty or the big potty?
• Do you want me or your dad/mom/caregiver to go with you to the potty?
• Do you want to run to the potty or walk to the potty?
  

Following the child’s lead:

• Watching for your child’s own readiness cues rather than a calendar or a milestone chart
• Letting them set the pace for practice
• Offering opportunities without pressure attached
• Not overriding their “no” about the potty in the way you wouldn’t override it about other bodily autonomy 

Low-pressure practice through play could look like:

• Playfully running to the bathroom, pretending to use the bathroom, and then cheering and clapping afterward
• Acting out toys going potty on the toilet and clapping and praising the toy

When It's More Than "Just a Phase"

If these patterns aren’t shifting despite consistent, low-pressure support, and no amount of encouragement or meeting them where they are at is proving to help in this developmental phase, then it may be a good time to seek out the aid of a child-centered play therapist. 

It’s also worth ruling out anything physical since persistent withholding can lead to or stem from constipation, and regression can sometimes be a UTI, so it can be helpful to speak with your pediatrician first.

Firstly, we want to encourage you that if you are taking this step to find a therapist for your child, this is not a failure; rather, you are seeking help during a difficult transition and supporting your child well. 

If potty training has become overwhelming, we are here to help you and your child on this journey. It can feel at times isolating in the midst of the struggle, and we would love to offer a supportive hand. We offer Child & Play Therapy where we meet your child right where they are.

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